This is the elaborate process on the groom's parents' part to look for the right kind of bride for their family. Rich families will look for a bride who can take care of household finances and most importantly, give birth to sons to inherit the wealth of the family. Poor families will look for a bride who can work hard in the fields and give birth to sons to help out on the farm. In the old days, marriages were arranged and it was quite normal for the parents to dominate the bride-seeking process. Girls from rich families would be sought out by other rich families and poor girls would probably marry into poor families.
In some cases a marriage would be arranged when the bride and the groom were still very young or not yet even born. In the former case, a young girl may be bought by the rich family as a servant girl to serve the rich boy. When the boy grew up, she may become either his wife or one of his concubines. In the latter case, two pregnant mothers will make the promise that when the babies are born, if they were both boys or both girls, they would become brothers or sisters and if one baby was a boy and the other a girl, they would get married. Hence the saying: pointing to the bosom as a marriage promise. However, a lot of times when the boy grew up, his family may have fallen from prestige and the girl's family would then refuse to let them get married. There are numerous folktales about tragedies that stem from arranged marriages. However, there are also many happy endings to arranged marriage. All we can say is that it was a fact of life for those times.
In the old days, all communication was through formal letters. Therefore, the following letters played an important role in the events.
This letter confirms the formal arrangement of the marriage. It is sent by the groom's family to the bride's family. This letter is normally presented with the initial gifts for the bride's family.
This letter accompanies the formal gifts for the Bride's family. It is actually a gift list that records the description and quantity of the gifts.
This letter is presented to the bride's family on the day of the wedding. It confirms the act of bringing the bride into the groom's family.
The Chinese word for etiquette can mean both customs and gifts. The following customs are known as the Six Etiquettes. In addition, I have included some of the customary activities on the part of the bride and groom that coincide with the Etiquettes.
1. Request for Marrying the Bride
After the groom's family has spotted a young girl whom the groom wants to marry, the family will hire a spokeswoman who will communicate their wish to the potential bride's family. In the old days, it was popular to hire an elderly woman for the groom. This lady will persuade the potential bride's family to accept the marriage offer from the groom's family. The families would then negotiate terms. If successful, both families would proceed to the next step.
2. Request for Bride and Groom's Birth Dates
This is the second step in arranging a marriage. The groom's family would then request the bride's 'Eight Letters' through the spokeswoman. In the Chinese lunar calendar, there are 22 'letters' that are used to represent dates. Ten are known as 'Tian Gan' and twelve are 'Di Zhi'. Two letters are used to represent each of the following: year, month, day & time. Altogether, eight letters will accurately represent the bride's birth date.
After obtaining the 'Eight Letters' of the groom and potential bride, a fortune telling master would then be hired to determine whether the two are a compatible match for each other. If all goes well with the bride's birth date, the groom's family will proceed to the next step. Otherwise, there will be no further contact between the families and the groom's family may look for another suitable bride.
3. Initial Gifts for the Bride's Family
If the potential bride's birth date is acceptable, the groom's family will request the spokeswoman to send some initial gifts accompanied by the gift letter.
4. Formal Gifts for the Bride's Family
The groom's family will consult the calendar again and pick a 'good day' to send the bride's family the following bridal gifts: presents, cash, cakes and food and sacrifices for worshiping the ancestors. This act confirms the marriage agreement between the two families. Rather than being merely ceremonial, the gift exchange was an integral part of the contract being made between the two families. This was especially so because the girl's family, who would be losing their daughter to another lineage forever, sought compensation that included a cash bride's price. Therefore, whatever arrangements were finally negotiated reflected the worth of the girl and her family. So important was this step that, to all intents and purposes, its completion constituted the de facto completion of the marriage. Even if death intervened during the engagement period (which might last a year or longer), it would probably be necessary for the girl, if she survived her fiancé, to join the lineage that had contracted for her services. Conversely, the boy would probably need to complete the ceremony so that his deceased partner's soul could have a secure place within his family's ancestral cult, though this would not prevent him from marrying a second, living bride.
5. Select the Wedding Date
The fortune telling master will select a 'good day' according the the bride and groom's and their family's birth dates.
Setting up the Bridal Bed
After the groom's family has selected a 'good day' as the wedding day, a man who's considered to have had good fortune all through his life will be hired to move the bridal bed to the right place. Then a lady who's considered to have had good fortune (with healthy and living husband and sons) will make the bed and place certain good fortune food and fruits on the bed. The bed will be left untouched until the day of the wedding.
The Bride's Gifts for the Groom
The bride's gifts for the groom will either arrive a couple of days before the wedding day or if she's a relatively long-distance bride, she'll bring the gifts & her maids with her to the groom's home on wedding day.
The bride's gifts usually consists of valuable jewelry and precious stones, kitchen utensils, proper bridal linen such as sheets, pillow covers and clothes. In some areas, the bride's family is expected to furnish the bridal house except for the bridal bed. There's a saying that if the bride supplies the bridal bed, then the family is practically giving the bride away for free.
Combing Hair
The night before the wedding, both the bride and the groom need to find a 'good fortune' woman and man to comb their hair in his/her home respectively. Both the bride and the groom need to take a shower before the event, change into fresh new underwear, and incense needs to be burned. Their hair needs to be combed four times and each has a special meaning:
1. The first combing symbolizes: from beginning till the end
2. The second combing symbolizes: harmony from now till old age
3. The third combing symbolizes: sons and grandsons all over the place
4. The fourth combing summaries good wealth and a long-lasting marriage.It is also customary for the bride to sit next to a window where the moon can be seen. This enables the moon light to soak into her hair, symbolizing the eternalness of their future children.
The whole action also symbolizes the adulthood of the couple. If either has been married before, then the combing event can be skipped for that person.
6. Wedding Day
On the big day, both the bride and the groom's house would be decorated in red. On the day of the wedding, the groom will send a carriage over to the bride's family to bring the bride home. The carriage is decorated in red and is carried by four servants. Musicians will accompany the procession and they will play wedding music all the way. Gifts are also brought to the bride's family at the same time.
At the bride's home, the bride will put on her bright red wedding gown and the bride's parents will give her jewelry to wear.
As the groom's procession arrives, the groom's spokeswoman will enter the bride's house and will carry the bride on her back. The bride cannot touch the ground with her feet until she arrives at the groom's house. In some regions, the bride's relatives will throw rice into the air, hoping that the chickens around will eat the rice instead of pecking at the bride. A red umbrella is used to shield the bride and the opening of the umbrella symbolizes her bringing many descendants to the groom's family. As the bride leaves the house, her parents and her relatives will bid her farewell as she rides the carriage and leaves home. Wealthy brides often have servant girls who will follow her to the groom's family and continue to serve her. These maids are known as ones who 'accompany the marriage'.
Upon the bride's arrival at the groom's house, the two will perform the marriage ceremony, which is witnessed by all the relatives and friends. The bride and groom will worship the heavens, the earth, and the groom's ancestors. Then they will serve tea to the groom's family according the their seniority. After that, the superiors will give them red packages (lai see) with monetary gifts and wish them well.
To celebrate the marriage, the groom's family will throw a wedding feast as large as they can afford. In the old days, some villagers may use up to seven continuous days to entertain the relatives during a wedding. Every night, delicious food is being served to all the guests. All along, the spokeswoman will oversee the whole process and keep toasting the couple.
After the wedding feast, the newlyweds will return to the bridal room. Some friends may tag-along and play tricks on the groom. When all is done, the couple will drink and toast. The spokeswoman will offer sweets and fruits to the couple to wish them long life and lots of kids. Then, the couple will finally be left with alone and the groom can then remove the red cloth that covers the bride's face.
Three days after the wedding, the bride is expected to return to her family. The bride will bring along roasted pig and gifts for the family. Some regions require that the groom accompany her while some didn't. Nonetheless, this is probably the last chance the bride gets to see her parents. Therefore, she will bring along a lot of gifts for the family and she may stay for a couple of days or more.
As a tradition, the bride's family will also return part of the gifts to the groom's family as a courtesy. Some regional custom requires that the family should return the head and tail of the roasted pig to the groom's family symbolizing the good beginning and end of the wedding.
The above practices contributed to the festive atmosphere of a wedding, however, most of the customs are not performed to its fullest extent in the modern world. Instead of performing all these ancient practices, even most elders would prefer the following 'simplified customs' nowadays.
1. & 5. Asking Bride's Family for Permission to get Married
Nowadays, the bride and groom will date without officially asking anyone for permission. If they decide they are going to marry (usually around the time the groom proposes), the two will inform the parents on both sides and ask for their blessing. The bride and groom will usually carry one or two dates for the wedding, decided upon by the groom's family (again consulting the Chinese calendar), to the bride's parents when they ask for the blessing.
2. Exchange Birth Dates and Family Tree
If the groom and the bride's birth dates are OK (meaning that no disaster is predicted by the fortune teller if the two get married), the two families will exchange their family records/family tree.
However, this custom is not always being followed depending how superstitious the families are.
3. & 4. Send Gifts to Bride's Family
The modern families usually send both the initial gifts and the formal gifts to the bride's home on one day instead of separating the two events. Most families still need to consult the Chinese calendar to pick a 'good day' which is normally about one month before the wedding.
Instead of sending the whole list of gifts such as livestock, certain 'good-luck' food or material, some couples simplify the gifts and the groom will only send some nice gifts such as dried seafood and fruit basket to the bride's family. Nowadays, most people don't know what to do with live chickens running around the front yard.
As for the 'monetary gift', the groom will either pay a certain agreed amount to the bride's family or will offer to pay for all of the wedding cost. The negotiation will then focus on how many tables the groom is able to offer to the bride's family during the wedding banquet. Sometimes, the bride's family will insist on having a certain number of guests but if the groom cannot afford it, they will try to compromise. At other times, the groom's family may have a certain reason to limit the bride's number of guests, such as if the groom's family is not too large, some relatives may feel uneasy if the bride's family invite more guest than the groom's family. Even nowadays, this is a potential area for conflict between the two families.
Setting up the Bridal Bed
Not every couple can afford to buy a new bed as the bridal bed. Now it's quite customary to simply change the linen to traditional red linen as a symbolic act for the setting up of the bridal bed. Some couples don't even bother with that. They may simply buy some designer linens and use those as the 'bridal linens'.
The Bride's Gifts for the Groom
Not many people will follow this rule. The only jewelry the bride brings over to the groom's family is probably the ones that her relatives give her on wedding day as a wedding gift.
Some brides contribute some of the gifts from relatives to pay for the banquet as well and some say that is considered as part of the 'bride's gifts' as well.
Combing Hair
Some couples choose to skip this event altogether, although it is a relatively simple act compared to the others.
6. Wedding Day: picking up the Bride
Nowadays, the bridesmaid will have most fun during the "picking up" of the bride. Early in the morning, the groom and the groomsmen will decorate the cars and drive them over to the bride's home. At the door, the bridesmaids will prepare tricky questions for the groom to answer. The groom not only has to answer all the questions, but he also has perform certain acts, such as doing push-ups to show that he's strong enough to take care of the bride,or sing out his love for the bride in front of many people. The groomsmen will help the groom to pass all these tests. The last test is a financial test. The groom has to pay the bridesmaids some 'red envelopes'' [good fortune] as gifts, then the groom and his groomsmen can enter the house and greet the bride.
The couple will then serve tea to the superior of the bride's family. The bride's parents will be the first to be served, followed by other relatives. Each one will give the couple some present in return, often red envelopes and jewelry for the bride [gold is often preferred in the Southern region].
Bride Leaving Home
Nowadays, only very traditional families may use the red umbrella or throw rice as the bride leaves the house. Most people do not perform any special activities and the bride's parents and relatives will either go to the Marriage Registrar or the church to attend the wedding ceremony.
Bride Arriving at the Groom's Home
Again, the couple will serve tea to the superior of the groom's family. The groom's parents will be the first to be served, followed by other relatives. Each one will give the couple some presents in return, often red envelopes and jewelry for the bride. After that, the whole family will leave for the the church to attend the wedding ceremony.
The Wedding Banquet
This is probably the part of the tradition that has been very well kept. In the modern Chinese society, the wedding feast is considered to be very important as opposed to the church ceremony or even the signing of the marriage license. Most parents do not mind the rest of the tradition except for this part. To the parents, the wedding feast is a chance for them to return their relative's kindness and to announce the marriage of their kids. If the wedding feast turns out to be good, then it's a great thing because they will have 'face'. In the Chinese culture, it's most important to have 'face' [respected by others].
Traditionally, the groom will pay for everything but nowadays, some young couples will offer to pay for themselves. As mentioned before, this is the area with the highest likelihood for conflicts between families of the bride and the groom. The bride's family will want to invite as many friends and families as possible while the groom's family may either have a budget concern or they do not want the bride's family to invite more friends than they do in fear of losing 'face'. Note that the bride and the groom's own friends are often being neglected. The wedding banquet is truly more of a parental event than that of the young couple's. There are many jokes about some people slipping into wedding banquets and nobody even noticed until the young couple compare notes afterwards and realize some guests were neither the bride nor the groom's relatives. Or that the guest went to the wrong banquet in the same restaurant [there may be 3 or 4 banquets going on at the same time in the restaurant, separated by partitions or rooms] without knowing it.
Once the guest list is drafted, the parents will then decide on the menu. A traditional Chinese banquet will include somewhere around 12 courses including an appetizer [lobster salad], roast pig, abalone, shark fin soup and end with fried rice/noodles, dessert and fresh fruit. The food is of utmost importance to Chinese and in most cases only delicacies are served. Besides, really nice cognac such as VSOP is often being served. As a side note, most restaurant finds the beverage to be a great way to rip off the family as you can never keep track of how many Cokes each guest has consumed. So find a restaurant that allows you to bring in your own beverages. Set up your own bar and then you will only have to pay the restaurant for the ice.
During the feast, the guests are seated in round tables and sometimes seating plans are made in order to avoid guests not knowing each other being seated at the same table. Each guest will normally bring along monetary gift that runs around US$50-US$100 [the price varies in different regions]. Normally the gifts can barely cover the cost of the banquet, therefore, the banquet is a great financial constraint in the couple's planning. As for the wedding color, it is quite standard: RED!.
The events in a Chinese wedding banquet have been modified a bit nowadays. Before the banquet starts, most of the guests will participate in one of the Chinese national games, mahjong [a Chinese tile game]. Others will take photos with the bride and the groom. When the food is ready, the waiters will play a modified xylophone and wedding music will start to play in the background. Some couples will hire an emcee to conduct the banquet. Due to Western influence, the best man and maid of honor often gets to toast the bride and the groom before food is being served. During the serving of shark fin soup, the couple will go from table to table, toasting the guests and thanking them. In return, the guests will also toast the bride and the groom. After that, the groomsmen, bridesmaids and friends of the young couple will often play certain tricks on them. This is similar to the clinking of glasses in the Western culture. The goal is to make the groom show his love in public. Some of the games are X-rated, depending what kind of friends the couple has. Some games are similar to the ones played in during bridal shower or a bachelor's party. Others may be a bit more outrageous.
After that, the bride will change into a different gown. It is not unusual for the bride to change into 4 or 5 different dresses during the course of the banquet. As the time draws near for the guests to leave, the parents, the couple and the relatives will stand in line at the door to thank the guests and wish them well as they leave. This is contrary to the receiving line in Western culture. Chinese has 'retreating line' instead. When all the guests have left, the bridal party will go home. That is, if the couple is not holding the banquet in a hotel where a guest room is provided for the newlyweds to stay. If so, the persistent friends will break into the room and play more games on the newlyweds.
(For a more tongue in cheek review, check out this excerpt from this Chinese e-zine Comrade Language)
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Last Updated:
Monday, October 27, 2003
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