To satisfy our international visitors, we are posting this page to familiarize them with the traditions of an American (or western) wedding.

The Courtship

In America, the relationship between a man and woman is a private thing. For the most part, the parents of the dating/engaged couple do not take an active part in the relationship.  Believe it or not, parents are not consulted, nor are they generally a part of the courtship. Usually the bride and groom will have met at school, work or through mutual friends (who sometimes will act as the "go between" for them.  They will "go out" for a few weeks, months, or years -  at which point they will decide to see each other exclusively - meaning, they will not date other people.  Some couples may move-in together and live with each other before they actually commit to being engaged.  After another length of time (days/weeks/months/years), their love grows and the guy can finally afford an engagement ring.  Traditionally, the more expensive the "rock", the more the guy is supposed to love the girl.  As a rule of thumb, the guy is supposed to spend at least 4 times his weekly salary on the ring.    When a guy decides to propose to his beloved, he will generally try to make it as special as possible.  A romantic dinner or get-away weekend, wine, candles, flowers.  After all that, and drinking a sufficient amount of courage, he will get down on one knee and ask her to marry him. If she accepts, she wears the ring on the third finger of the left hand (next to the pinky finger). The vein in this finger was once believed to go directly to the heart. Pretty obvious symbolism there. 

If Successful . . .

The two love birds will announce the good news to their parents.  The problem here is, that more than likely, the two sets of parents do not know each other.  In fact, the parents may live in separate states (or maybe even countries).  Some parents may be picky about who is told first.  But, that's not my battle, so I won't go into it. 

The engagement is announced and from then until the wedding, the couple is subjected to the following two questions:

"Have you set the date yet?"

"When is the big day?"

Of course the girl will also be obliged to flaunt her new ring to anyone and everyone who might be remotely interested. 

Contrary to the majority of the world's traditions, the bride's family will be financially responsible for the wedding.  Although, now it is becoming more common for either the groom's family to share in on the expenses, or the bride and groom will pay for their own wedding. 

The engagement period will last a few days/weeks/months/years, basically as long as it takes to plan all the details.  What do they need to plan?  Picking out wedding bands, making the guest list, arranging transportation for the wedding party. Over the next few months they'll be making a lot of decisions. We've compiled a list of frequently asked questions:

Q. She has her engagement ring. Now we have to pick out wedding bands. Help!
A. Decide on whether to have your bands as a matched set or ones that complement each other. If you're not used to wearing a ring, try on different styles, widths and weights until you find one that is comfortable. 

In ancient times, when life was much harder and oftentimes shorter, husbands practiced a superstitious ritual to ensure their wives spirits wouldn't leave too soon. The husband would wrap the bride's ankles and wrists with ropes of grass believing this would keep here spirit within her. Over the years, as religious beliefs evolved, the meaning (and material) of the bonds evolved as well. Today, brides thankfully don't bind their wrists and ankles, only their ring fingers, and grooms have adopted the practice as well. The grass gave way first to leather, then stone, then metal, and finally, to precious metals. Today, the rings symbolize the love and bond between husband and wife.

Q. I'm trying to set up a budget. When planning a wedding, who pays for what?
A. Traditionally the bride's family picks up most of the wedding expenses. The groom or his parents pay their own travel expenses and accommodations. They're also responsible for hosting the rehearsal dinner and for the bridal couple's gift. Funds for other areas can be pooled. Or responsibilities for particular parts of the wedding can be handled on an individual basis.  Ultimately decide on a bottom line, then rough out figures for each category. Then divide up expenses in a way that's agreeable to everyone.

Q. Where do I go for a marriage license and what are the requirements?
A. Licensing requirements vary from state to state. Your town clerk can help you find out what you need. Inquire at least two months prior to your wedding. Depending on the state, you may be required to supply any of the following: blood tests, proof of identification, parental consent (depending on your state's age requirement), proof of divorce (if there was a previous marriage) or licensing fee.

Q. I need some information on who to invite. Any suggestions?
A. Many couples divide their guest list into thirds. One third to the bride's parents, a third to the groom's parents and a third for the bridal couple. As a general rule invite only those you truly want by your side when you take the plunge. One last note - it's always appropriate to invite your boss.

Q. I'm responsible for arranging the transportation. Who rides with who?
A. Whether it's a horse-drawn carriage, limo, or caravan of cars, you need to arrange transportation from the bride's house to the ceremony for the bride, her bridesmaids and her parents. And don't forget arrangements for yourself, your parents and your attendants. After the ceremony the bridal couple, the best man and the maid of honor should ride in one car together to the reception, followed by the remainder of the wedding party. Also, remember to have a car ready for your getaway after the reception. Of course make sure all drivers have complete detailed directions to the ceremony and the reception. Finally, to avoid embarrassment, make sure all costs and
payments are arranged and agreed upon prior to your wedding day.

Q. As the groom, what costs can I expect?
A. Besides ring cost, the groom is traditionally responsible for:

* His tuxedo rental.
* His wedding gift to the bride.
* His own necessary medical tests.
* The marriage license.
* Boutonnieres for all the men.
* Gifts for the men in the bridal party.
* Accommodations for out-of-town attendants.
* The officiant's fee or honorarium.
* The honeymoon.

Q. Who will be in the wedding party: 
A. The following describes these honored positions - 

Bestman:  The best friend of the groom
Groomsmen:  Usually 2 to 5 other close friends of the groom.

Many centuries ago, before the women's rights movement, men who had decided upon a wife often had to forcefully take her with him (or kidnap her) if her family did not approve of him. The groom-to-be would sometimes face resistance from her male family members or from competing suitors who would fight him off. The groom would therefore bring along his "best men" to help him fight for the woman. Today the best man and ushers are honorary positions.

Maid of Honor: Best friend of Bride
Bride's Maids:  other close friends of the bride equal to the number of groomsmen

While the Groom and his best men were fighting for the bride, she was helped by a group of women who would get her away from her family or other suitors so she could be "captured" by the man of her choice. The Maid of Honor and the Bridesmaids are honored roles today.

Ring bearer:  a little boy, age 4-8 from the groom's side, who carries the rings on a pillow a the wedding. 
Flower Girl: a little girl, age 4-8 from the bride's side, who basket of flower petals down the aisle of at the wedding

The Bridal Shower (Bachelorette Party) & Bachelor Party

The bride-to-be's Maid of Honor  will usually hold an all girls party where gifts are given to her.  Gifts can range from clothes/lingerie to perfumes and items for her honeymoon.

This event has its roots in Holland. When a bride's father did not approve of the husband-to-be, he would not provide her with the necessary dowry. The brides friends would therefore "shower" her with gifts so she would have her dowry and thus marry the man of her choice. While dowries are long gone today, the practice of giving gifts to the bride-to-be remains.

The Bachelor Party is a right of passage for the groom.   There is too much to deal with here, so check out the following website.  It's tastefully done and I actually enjoyed it.:  http://www.thebestman.com

The Rehearsal Dinner

The night before the wedding, the entire wedding party will join together for a prenuptial celebration after practicing the ceremony at the wedding site.
Customarily it's the groom's parents who host this dinner, but the guest list is discussed with both families. Traditionally, the dinner includes the bride and groom; both sets of parents; bridesmaids with their husbands or guests; best man, groomsmen and ushers with their wives or guests; the bride's and groom's own siblings, grandparents; and any other family members involved in the ceremony. The officinal should also be included. If there are close relatives from either family who have traveled far, it's a nice idea to include them too. Many people send out handwritten invitations a few weeks after the wedding invitations go out.  This is a great time to propose some meaningful toasts-- to the parents, the best man or to anyone who has played a part in making your wedding day special.

There is also an exchange of gifts.  the groom and bride will give a token of their appreciation to the members of their bridal party.   Men will usually receive a pocket knife, silver cigar cutter, cuff links etc . .    The girls will usually receive a piece of jewelry to be worn on the wedding day.  Then the bride and groom will exchange gifts with each other.  These can include

For the Bride

Pearls to wear on her wedding day.
A charm bracelet that can be add to through the years.
A crystal perfume bottle filled with her favorite scent.

For the Groom

* A silk tie.
* Tickets to a major game -- and one for the bride, of course.
* An autographed ball.
* Leather driving gloves.
* A full-backed silk vest that can be worn with jeans.
* A pocket knife with the works.
* A monogrammed business card holder.
* An electronic notebook for keeping track of appointments, phone
* A subscription to a beer-of-the-month club.
* A personalized team jersey.
* A great set of cuff links.
* Front-row seats for his favorite group's concert.

The Wedding

Traditionally the groom waits at the altar, he has not seen his bride since the rehearsal dinner. Her bridesmaids helped her get ready somewhere hidden away at the ceremony site.  The most popular custom observed at this time is ... Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue. This bridal custom is the most purely symbolic custom of all and its meaning has remained unchanged throughout the years: the old symbolizes the bride's connection to her past, the new symbolizes her hopes for a bright future, the borrowed symbolizes friendship, and the blue symbolizes faithfulness.

At the start of the ceremony, the bridal march is played and everyone stands as the bride is escorted down the aisle by her father.  In Old Times, female children were deemed to be the property of their fathers. When it came time for the daughter to marry and her father approved of the arrangement, he was actually transferring ownership of his daughter to the groom. Today, the act of giving the bride away is symbolic of her parents blessing of the marriage to the chosen groom. As the bride's father gives her away, he'll lift her veil and kiss her. Then he'll shake the groom's  hand, which is the groom's cue to escort the bride-to-be up to the altar steps. The ceremony takes place and they are pronounced man and wife.  They then kiss each other to profess their love for all to witness.  At the conclusion of the service, the bridal couple leads the processional, and if there's a receiving line at the church, it should be formed right away to greet guests as they exit.  More often than not, the bridal party hangs around for 20-30 minutes taking pictures in and around the church grounds, as this is the primary photo opportunity since everyone is finally together.  As the newlyweds leave the church the guests toss rice at the bride and groom in hopes that many children would be forthcoming. (This practice is becoming less popular as we now know that the left over rice is deadly to the birds who eat it afterward. Try birdseed instead!).

The Reception

As the guests arrive, they will sign the guest book, if they did not already do so at the church.  Most have purchased gifts and wrapped them in silver or gold wrapping paper.  The gifts were purchased from a specific department store's "wedding registry".  This where the bride and groom have previously visited the store and scanned all the items they would like to furnish their new home with.  Stuff for the kitchen, bedroom and living room.  In rare cases, a guest will give the couple money.  Some couple have even registered with a real estate agent and a bank to have people contribute to their "New House Fund" or with a travel agent to help finance that dream honeymoon to some exotic location(s).

The reception begins with the introduction of the bridal party. After that, the best man toasts the bridal couple. Then the groom can offer a toast thanking the guests for their attendance.  Dinner is served and then the music begins.

The first dance is reserved for the bridal couple and has traditionally always been a waltz - but that is changing too. Their dance is followed by the bride dancing with her new father-in-law, then her father. During this time the groom will dance with his mother-in law first, then his own mother.  After this, every one joins in on the dancing and the party starts. About half an hour after dinner, the cake is cut. 

The tradition of the wedding cake started in ancient Rome with an unusual practice. After the wedding, a loaf of bread was broken over the bride's head symbolizing fertility and long life. The guests considered the fallen crumbs to be good luck and would pick them up and eat them. This tradition evolved and spread to England in the Middle Ages where the guests of a wedding would bring small cakes and stack them together. The bride and groom would stand over the pile and kiss the cakes. Later, a frosting was spread over the many small cakes and it was shared with the guests. Today's wedding cakes owe their multi-layered tall shape to this early practice.

To cut the cake, the groom places his right hand over the bride's cuts a slice for each of them.  They then intertwine their arms and feed the other their first bite of cake.  This can get very interesting and is commonly referred to as they "Moment of Truth" - will they or won't they smash the cake into the other's face.  The cake is then cut up for serving or set out with wrappers for guests to take home.  This is followed by the Garter Toss (which first must be removed from the bride's leg) and the Tossing of the Bouquet.

In 14th century France, a custom emerged wherein the bride's garter was deemed to be good luck. Guests would therefore chase the bride and forcefully remove the garter. To avoid this frightful practice, brides began voluntarily removing the garter and throwing it to the crowd. Over time, the bouquet was added to the toss. Today the custom has been genderized as the bouquet is thrown to unmarried female guests and the garter is thrown by the groom to unmarried male guests. The recipient of each is supposed to be the next married.

About a half hour before the scheduled end of the reception, the bridal couple may leave for their honeymoon. At their hotel room or their new house the groom will carry the bride through the door. Generations ago it was considered lady-like for the new bride to be, or appear to be, hesitant to "give herself" to her new husband, whether or not she truly was. At the threshold to the bridal chamber, the husband would often have to carry the bride over to encourage her to go in.

Within three months of the wedding, they will send thank-you notes to all the guests for their attendance and the gifts they brought.